By the time a child has the language skills to equip him otherwise, he also has enough intellect to realize that not all thoughts or feelings are to be shared. We begin building that mask pretty early, don't we?
By the time a child goes to school, she learns that if she wants to survive socially, she had better not say all she is thinking or feeling--she better give an appearance of being tougher than she really is and not wear her feelings on her sleeve or she will be eaten alive by her peers.
Transparency. As incredibly curious as we are about what goes on beyond that wall, the reality of it is that sometimes we even build walls within ourselves so that we can't even get a full glimpse of what and who WE are, much less, what really happens deep within the innermost psyche of another. We only know as much about the next guy as he or she is willing to share and everything else is pure speculation. And that is if they are being honest.
Do we really want to know? What would we find out about our parents, lovers, neighbors, employers and children? If every secret and every sin were laid out on the table would we discover that inside we all possess the coldness of a killer, the vulnerability of a child, the spiritual nature of a Gandhi? Would it be easier to compare ourselves to others--and thereby assign rank--or would it be easier to see that we are truly all alike; each of us riddled with the same insecurities and fears; the same failings and frailties? And would that level the playing field or leave us all scattered and weak?
Intimacy is a difficult thing to achieve, and yet, we crave it. We both fear and need someone to look beyond that veil and love us anyway--and yet, for our own safety, we often push those who try away.
Have you ever shared too much? Have you ever held back and lost someone because they couldn't connect with you? Have you ever invested too much in someone else? What was the outcome? Just curious....
I used to always share too much. I wanted to be liked and to I though to be so meant I must share of me as a step forward. It didn't take me long to learn that being transparent apparently makes people as uneasy as being opaque. There are times I strive to find the right level of opacity, but I figure at this juncture, I never will. I've always prayed for someone I could be truly transparent with. Someone mature enough, yet childlike enough to share in my sense of adventure, who'd prefer walking beside instead of constantly jockeying and positioning, hedging bets, one that understands that life is short, precious, yet full of shinies that sometimes must be investigated, but I wonder if that's even possible. I'm maddening to those around me because I have to go down the rabbit hole to seek, to experience and hopefully to understand afterwards. But I myself know that every experience, every sensation is not to be understood or dissected. I long for that companion in my journey, yet know that the person I seek may not truly exist, so I behave in an appropriate fashion, and try to be the person others need me to be, even as I crave so much more.
ReplyDeleteConnection is a strange, wonderful, petrifying thing. The question is, for those of us with this fever, is this connection possible or by taking the blue pill are we fooling ourselves to think it will truly exist?